Take the Dream.

I have a great deal of trouble with sleep. It's not just that I'm an insomniac: all sorts of weird/annoying things happen even after I do manage to nod-off.

An example of this is sleep paralysis, a fucking weird experience and no mistake. I experienced this quite regularly for ten years - I'd say from about age 12 or 13 up to about 23 or 24 and it was only relatively recently that I found out what it was - the power of the internet and an imaginative search-string holding the key - so at the time when it was actually happening I had no fucking idea.

It was extremely frightening the first few times. Who wouldn't be shit-scared if they suddenly found that they were paralysed for no apparent reason! That first time the shock sort of jolted me out of it (or, as I now know, I woke up) freaked out and very very sleepy. So I probably fell asleep and forgot all about it.

Until it happened again about a week later. This time I wasn't so shocked, so I didn't wake up as soon as I realised that I couldn't move. I just sort of lay there experiencing an increasing sense of what wikipedia calls an 'acute sense of danger'. It was probably the most frightening experience of my life that second time. Not only did the shock not wake me but I had the other instance as a sort of reference - it happened once for a very short time and now it's happening for longer.

'What the fuck! Am I paralysed now? Because if I am I'd like to point out that I'd rather not be if that's at all possible'. I possibly might have mused.

Eventually I calmed down a little bit.

Ok, was I really paralysed? I tried to move stuff. Really fucking tried with force of will to move stuff and eventually my toes wiggled and the 'spell' broke. I turned over in bed, relaxed and drifted off to sleep,,,,

...except I soon noticed that I couldn't move again.

'Fuck!' I probably thought and put all my mental will into to wiggling my toes. It worked pretty quickly that time! Woohoo! I can escape at will! Now that I am in possession of that nugget maybe I can play around with this and work out what's going the fuck on.

It didn't happen for a few nights, but when it did I went with it a bit. I took in the experience with no sense of danger , cute or otherwise (well maybe a wee tiny fear, bit nothing overwhelming), and it must have been when I fell asleep and dreamed that I'd fallen out of my body.

That's right folks, I fell out of my body and landed on my bedroom floor - all the while thinking I was not only awake, but also paralysed - and the sense of un-cute danger returned with a vengeance.

'Shit-on-a-motherfucking-stick' I probably pondered, and the shock again pulled my out of it - I dreamed that I was 'sucked' back into my body and when I reached it I noticed that it was no longer paralysed.

The atheist in me was confused. I was convinced that it wasn't a dream - it seemed so real - so I discounted that far to quickly (considering it was the truth) if the best result was finding out what the fuck was going on. And I did want to know that, so I kept it pretty much to myself and developed an interest in Sumerian Mythology instead.

It's probably a good thing that I did dismiss it though, because for the next wee while it was great fun playing with it. The best trip you ever had. Literally dreaming whilst you are fully concious! And being in complete control of the dream (but not the environment: the illsion of reality of environment was crucial to making it work I suppose) at the same time!

Take that LSD!

Fuck you peyote!

Kiss my skinny arse ketamin!

I missed it when it stopped happening.

The reason I mention it is because it has recently (within the past 3 years) been semi-reprised with a new weird mid-sleep sport: lucid dreaming (apparently you can teach yourself how to do this). Lucid dreaming is nowhere near as weird or scary though.

It tends to start when something familiar looks out of place. My lucid dreams normally start off in my flat because my unconscious (or the part of me that creates the dreams) seems to work on general-ism and archetypes so there are usually things that the me who experiences the dream can pick out that are out of place.

(I'm not really sure what part of me creates the dreams and what part experiences them, and therefore uncovers the sham, so forgive the vague language and/or pronouns.)

The realisation that I was dreaming woke me up the first few times, but after that I only wake up when something fucked up happens and I want to leave the dream.

I quite enjoy the odd lucid dream, even though they are less 'controllable' than the sleep paralysis hallucinations, so I turned the light switch in my bedroom upside down.

Another fucking non sequitur Mark?

No. I turned the switch upside down because I suspected that the dream-creating-me was too stupid to remember (or even know) that I had done it.

And I was right, that light switch initiated more lucid dream adsventures than anything else.

Although, unfortunately, my cat is beginning to take over that role o late. I wish my fucking unconscious or whatever would get it it into my thick head that my cat is dead and that it is rather rude to jolt someone out of a dream with a vision of his not long dead cat miawing at him. That just ruins it and I end up waking up immediately and annoyed. Then writing this blog entry.

I think that sleep hates me. It even fucks with me when I'm not awake.