The Drug of the Nation.

I only ever watch TV online these days. Most often I use catch-up services like iPlayer, but sometimes I will use bit-torrent to get something that is unavailable on catch-up - which, as a Linux user, is quite a lot.

This means that, for the time being, I don't own a television set and so I don't have to buy a TV licence.

Not that this stops the Licensing Authority from bombarding me with threatening letters full of harsh language telling me how I may be breaking the law and will be prosecuted. It tells me that I will have to pay a large fine if I'm caught.

I sent them a letter a few years ago telling them that I do not own a television set, but that doesn't seem to have helped. It seems that it is my responsibility to prove that I DO NOT have a television. They want to send an unprincipled (I know this because of what they do for a living) pen pusher to check.

Well fuck them. There is no chance of my allowing their agent to snoop around my home looking for contraband. It's just not an option. What point is there? I could easily hide a television in a cupboard or a drawer - I assume they won't insist on searching my pants-drawer? - or I could have a TV card in my PC for all they know. Are they gonna bring a screwdriver and check inside my pooter?

So basically, there is no practical need for them to snoop around my home so they will be, politely, refused permission to do so.

If they really really want to check then they will need to go to court. And if they do that I'll kick up a shit-storm.

I might even share my story with the Daily Mail.

You see what you are pushing me to the BBC? Do you see?

If they want my licence fee then they have to make it worth my while to own a fucking TV, and that's not going to happen when all they seem capable of coming up with is shite like Strictly Come Dancing and Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps.

Having said that, I might send Stewart Lee, Bruce Parry and Charlie Brooker a fiver each towards their budgets since I do watch and enjoy their stuff.